When I see them
by cassierigum
Summary: The thoughts of some of the Cullens when watching Edward and Bella. Contemplations of Edward preBella. My first Twilight fanfic ever! Please read and review!
1. Esme

Every time I see them together, it makes me smile. 

His truly happy face, his glowing eyes, the tenderness that fills them every time he looks at her. Bella. His Bella.

And her blushes, which bring the blood running to her cheeks, her body which echoes his every movement, her eyes which follow him constantly, filled with adoration and love as she watches his face, the face of her beloved, Edward.

They are so beautiful together; so utterly happy and in love.

When I look into the face of Edward, my son for almost eighty years, I cannot help but marvel in the difference a few short months can bring. When he touches her; her face, her back, her hand; when he holds her, when he kisses her; that is when he is at his most human. His face is so gentle that I can barely contain my own joy.

He was always a well brought up boy; his manners impeccable, his voice cultured, his thirst for knowledge insatiable. He was an affectionate son, thoughtful and kind. He always respected our privacy, stayed out of our thoughts when he could, and never used those he heard against us.

When Rosalie first came to the family I hoped he would form an attachment to her; that she would be his companion as surely as I was Carlisle's. After all, she was beautiful, and he was educated and well-mannered. But her beauty held no interest for him, and she cared little for his intellect. As the years continued, they grew to care for one another, but only as siblings, with the same feuds and disagreements. And then our family grew, to include Emmett and Alice and Jasper, and he loved them as brothers and sister too; shared in their joys and their sorrows, kept their secrets with his own, and remained fiercely loyal to them.

When we stayed with the Denali clan, I thought once again that perhaps Edward would find a partner in one of the three girls, but he showed no preference, and formed no attachment even equal to that of his family, despite the obvious advances of Tanya in particular. I would sigh in the privacy of my head, and try to banish all thoughts of Edward's love life, but he would know, and he would feel guilty, and try his best to look happy and full of vigour.

But he could not conceal the longing in his eyes sometimes, when he was surrounded by three very content couples. He was always the odd man out; alone, separate. We tried to include him; we loved him and wanted him to feel part of the family. He would just smile joylessly at us, understanding our intentions and our feelings, but never able to feel at ease in a house full of marital bliss.

Every day to him was monotony, broken only by the excitement of the hunt and the companionship he shared with his brothers and sisters, and myself and Carlisle. Perhaps he himself did not see it, but it was as if he was always searching, searching for something that would make him whole.

And then he found her. Bella.

Or did Bella find him? Did Bella save him, or did he save himself through her?

Did it matter? Does it matter? Now that they are together, who cares how it happened?

My boy finally found the love he had been searching for, and as I watched them, I could not help but grow to love the girl who loved Edward enough to set his face alight once more. His happiness spread like infection throughout the house; and each one of us; even Rosalie, who disapproved; could scarcely contain our joy. Edward was in love.

And now I watch them, as they plan their life together, arguing pleasantly with Alice as she tries to organise their ceremony on her own, their hands entwined, his ring gleaming on her finger, catching the glow of the candle and sending sparkling facets of light glittering throughout the room. He kisses the back of her hand, and her eyes meet his, full of love and expectation.

I smile, unable to contain the happiness I feel at such a sight.


	2. Rosalie

Every time I see them together, it makes me scowl. 

His eyes, that never leave her face, as though enraptured by some beauty that the rest of us cannot fathom. His demeanour; the evident admiration and awe he bestows on her. His lips that smile whenever she looks his way, his face which follows her around the room. His Bella.

And her, so human, so alive, so unaware of exactly what she is throwing away. Her life; her chance at ever having a baby, her chance to create something so beautiful, so perfect. Her shining, happy face is ignorant of the pain she will feel later, when she finally understands all the repercussions of her choice.

They don't understand what they are doing to each other. Their lives will never be complete.

The others; Alice, Jasper and Emmett, even; think that I am jealous. Jealous that Edward has chosen someone else over me, over my incomparable beauty. There is some truth in that.

When I was alive, I was the most beautiful young woman anybody had seen. Men's eyes would light up when they saw me; women would stare at me with envy. I was adored, admired. When I was changed, my beauty shone even more brightly. No one could ever keep their eyes away from my body, my face, the round of my hips or the fullness of my lips.

No one, save for Edward. I was merely an inconvenience to him, from the second I was "born". I was a siren, my beauty ensuring that those who saw our "family" knew that we were... more than human. His eyes never lingered on my beauty. He saw it, and dismissed it. Because he, unlike those other men and women, could see what was inside. The vain, stubborn, childish thoughts that my mind was centred on. He looked into my mind and flinched away. He saw the ugliness beneath my perfect exterior. And I hated him for it.

I had always been loved, always wanted, always watched. I wanted Edward to want me too. It was an irrational desire, as immature and impure as a spoiled child. I, of course, did not want him. He held no interest for me. But, though we grew close, and he no longer resented me, and grew to love me as a sister, he never saw me like other men did. He had never shown any interest in any women, human or vampire, a fact which consoled me a little. Perhaps, as Esme suggested, he was too young when he was changed. Perhaps something was missing from him which meant that he saw no one that way.

But then he saw Bella.

She isn't particularly pretty, or especially intelligent. Her only talents, at first glance, seem to be her ability to trip on flat surfaces and to put lives in danger when playing non-contact sports. But she is thoughtful, and sweet, and utterly devoted to Edward for all that he is.

And he chose her; her over me. That knowledge still eats away at me, though not as strongly as it once was. You are not wanted, not by him; that's what I hear inside my head. Nobody would like you for who you are; only for what you look like.

I know that not to be true; Emmett has shown me that; and yet sometimes the jealousy gets the better of me. But jealousy over Edward's feelings is only part of the problem.

The second part is with Bella. I admit I am envious of her. She has what I seek more than anything else. A life. An opportunity. Which she is throwing away. She could marry any other man; the Newton boy, the dog, even, and live that life. Sometimes it takes all my self-control not to shake some sense into her. I know what she doesn't. I know what becoming a vampire really means. The loss of humanity.

And so I look at them, sitting together on a sofa, talking quietly to one another in low voices that all of us could hear if we tried. I watch as she drifts softly to sleep, see the gentle rise and fall of her chest. I watch him watch her appreciatively. His eyes skim her body and her face, which hold for him ten times the beauty of my ethereal perfection. He brushes a lock of hair behind her ear, and rests his hand against her warmth.

Soon there will be no sleep, no breath, no warmth. Her heart will be as cold and silent as her beloved's, but will that ever be enough?

I scowl, knowing that Edward knows my thoughts and dismisses them along with my beauty.

I scowl; I sigh; I leave. Seeing them together makes me long for another life. The life they are throwing away.

A/N: So, Esme's story was meant to be a one-shot, but Rosalie intervened. She wanted her say. And my, is she self-centred. I'm sorry if it was very similar to the chapter where Rosalie speaks to Bella. I reread it right after writing this, and suddenly realised the similarity. Oh well. Please enjoy and review!


	3. Alice

Every time I see them together, I see so much more. 

I see not only the present, but can glimpse the future; bright and content and hopeful.

And I know how happy it will make Edward. He knows that this girl is different. He is already intrigued. He has already lost his heart to her. Sometimes he stares off into space, and I am suddenly plagued by snippets of future events; he plans to talk to her, and then plans against it; plans to ask her to sit by him in lunch, plans against it; plans to offer to drive her home, plans against it. But these trivial matters are unimportant.

I already know the big picture.

I could see it, if not by day one, then at least by the time he saved her from a speeding truck. He had already decided on her. And as for her; her mind was made up long before.

As time slides by, the images grow stronger and stronger.

When I first saw her - Bella - Carlisle had just decided it was time for us to move on, to move to Forks, in fact. I didn't understand the vision at first; it was merely a flickering picture of a brown haired girl, standing by Edward. Nothing of true importance.

You see, it was difficult, back then, to imagine Edward in love. He was serious, almost to a fault. He had accepted the futility of his existence and believed whole-heartedly that to be a vampire was to be a sinner. Aside from Carlisle, he is without a doubt the most spiritually-minded of us all. The tedium of everyday life seemed to be some kind of penance for him; he never complained, was always the perfect gentleman to all, never slipped up in his stringent "vegetarianism".

But he was... cold. Cold and detached. He saw life as something that was barred to him as a vampire. At least, that's the way it seemed to me.

Before her, he had never truly daydreamed.

I saw her for the second time a few short weeks before she arrived here. The image this time was clearer, more defined. I saw them, side by side, his arm around her waist. Her paleness made me suspect that she was a vampire, at first, but then I saw the blush in her cheeks and her brown eyes.

This perplexed me. Things rarely perplex me, I admit, and this unnamed girl took over my thoughts for quite a while. Who is she? What will her connection to Edward be? And how will she be able to make Edward's face look happier than it had ever been before?

I only understood the day she arrived; timid, clumsy and shy. Preoccupied as I was with Jasper, I barely noticed until I was plagued with the sudden bloody visions Edward's bloodlust created. No, I told him. It will not be like that. You will go away. You will not kill her.

I knew the truth. I know the future. He would not kill her. He could not kill her.

Suddenly, it made sense. This girl; this fragile, human girl; would either be the making or the destruction of him. I could see the one sustainable future; him and her together, presumably forever; and the other choice. Her dead, him sick with self-disgust until he finally succumbed to the guilt, whereupon he would flee, or seek death.

But as the days rolled by, slipping silently on without a break, as they do in our sleepless world; as Edward returned; as his interest in her, and in life, increased; the images became clearer and more definite. When she nearly died, I was sure. As sure as I could possibly be. They would be together.

I told him then. I explained everything to him; my visions, my guesses. And though he listened, wanting to trust in my gift, he didn't really. He still held on to that unshakable belief that he was damned, cursed, unworthy of the love of another.

And yet I can see it. Now, as they sit together during lunch, I can see the future.

A vampire and a human girl, in a sunlit meadow. Facing each other, talking in low murmuring voices, professing their love. She reaches out and touches his face, tracing his jaw line, his cheekbones, before he stops her, and presses his head against her heart, listening to its fluttering beating. His eyes are warm, his face no longer that of a condemned man. He smiles a true smile, full of hope for the future and joy in the present, as he pulls them close together for the first time.

I see this future, and others, strung together by the present before me. Her beating heart and his silent one, forever entwined, long after hers grows still and cold.

(A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed that, because Alice is surprisingly difficult to write. She sees too much. Present and Future are completely combined in her life, I think. And past, not so much, which was difficult, because I wanted her to look back on Edward. So it may be confusing, and if so, I apologise profusely. Again, please review. You have no idea what it does to me! It makes me all soft and squishy like a marshmallow!)


	4. Jasper

Every time I see them, I am catapulted with feelings which threaten to overwhelm me. 

I can feel their emotions; distinct and fresh and passionate. Even if I didn't have my abilities, I would have sensed their love. Her eyes light up each time she sees him, or feels him, or hears his voice, and her heart beats so loudly that I'm sure humans could hear it as clearly as we do. And she smiles so softly at him, when she thinks he is not watching.

But he is always watching. His eyes follow her everywhere, body orbiting around hers as though she was his sun. His smile too is soft, and every time he touches her, it is with such care and attention that his love for her is emphasised with every gesture.

There are other emotions too, more difficult to decipher if one is without my skills. Her fear when he leaves her, an emotion undistinguishable in her happy smiling face as she waves goodbye from the doorstep. Edward turns to me for explanation, but I cannot bear to tell him. She feels lost without him, and longs for him to return, and guilt for being so dependant. And the same emotions emanate from him as we run to our hunting-ground. Guilt consumes him. And he longs as much as ever.

When I first came to live with Carlisle's family, I was surprised at the feelings that came from Edward.

Outwardly, he was fairly cheerful, friendly, helpful, calm and composed. Inside, all I could feel was despair, loneliness and longing. I soon came to equate that sense of longing with Edward. It was never absent, even when he was momentarily happy or even angry.

He always longed for something unknown.

At first I could not comprehend his emotions. I even, once, about a month after we arrived at the Cullens' unannounced, asked Esme what was wrong with him. I thought perhaps something had happened before our arrival; they had left another place, a girl, maybe... anything to explain his longing.

But Esme just smiled sadly and wistfully. "That's Edward," she explained. "He knows all of our problems, but would never bother us with his."

The more I got to know him, the more I began to understand his longing. It was a collection of factors; he longed to be loved, and to love; he longed for absolution; he longed for an end to the tedium of his life as he lived it; he longed to please Carlisle and his family; he longed to be truly happy in his life as it was... He longed for so much that I think he was, and is, even now, barely aware of it. Longing had become so much a part of him that it was barely an emotion any more.

I, too, soon became desensitised. In fact, after the first year with the Cullens, I never actively noticed that sense of longing again until it was suddenly, miraculously lifted. Not completely, I'll admit, but it had lessened to a point where other, stronger emotions were taking control of Edward.

He had found hope, joy and love. He had found Bella.

At first, there was such a conflict of emotions inside him. Despair battled against the newly-acquired hope, reminding him of all the obstacles in their relationship; his thirst for her blood and her mortality. Joy was almost overcome by guilt, which told him he would hurt her, damage her, cause her harm. And yet those positive emotions could not be completely destroyed. They had blossomed inside him, and they made themselves heard.

And then he decided to leave her. And it was all my fault.

Not only because I had attacked her, letting my weakness get the better of me. Failing where the others succeeded. Not only that, but the guilt I felt because of my weakness only fed Edward's own guilt. And thus I caused my adoptive brother six months of the worst pain he's ever felt.

And worse still, I was the first to abandon him; the first to flee from his company. The grief and guilt he wallowed in almost swallowed me whole, and I could do nothing but run from him. I was the first to leave him when he needed us most.

But now, I see them; Bella sitting at the table, barely listening as Alice describes the choice of flowers for the wedding, and Edward lounging on the couch, going through a play list Alice has 'recommended' for the reception; and I feel their feelings course through me, showing how far they are from the task in hand, as though the frequent glances at each other across the room weren't enough.

I stand, reach for Alice's free hand, ignoring her complaints which are silenced by a sudden vision of the future and pull her softly up the stairs to our room. They may struggle to keep their emotions in check, but I am in no mood to hold back from mine.


End file.
